Air Force Bans Chobani Greek Yogurt Flavor, Over Hemp Seeds

In 1999, with alarming prescience and an alacrity usually reserved for Delphic oracles, the U.S Air Force added hemp seed and oil products to their “forbidden list.” This vicious and silly (mostly silly) facet of prohibition has claimed a new victim: Chobani’s Blueberry Power Flip greek yogurt.

This sinister dairy product has the nerve to masquerade as blueberry, but subversively contains almost 10 grams of hemp seeds. Thankfully, the Air Force has foiled the epidemic spread of this super food, err poison, and placed the offending yogurt on its forbidden list.

Ostensibly, the higher-ups were not thrilled with the idea of putting multi-million dollar precision aircraft in the hands of any pilot who might be tripping balls from a late night yogurt bender.“Forbidden yogurt” sounds like something you would read on the Onion about North Korea.

In case you’re wondering, an independent study by the Vote Hemp non-profit found that a person who consumed a full half-pound of hemp seeds would still be unlikely to test positive for THC under federal guidelines. That’s just to test positive at 50 parts THC per billion. A half-pound is more than 20 times what is found in the yogurt. Keeping this highly potent source of THC, a known psychoactive substance, out of the hands of our pilots should be the highest priority.

I get it. I used to have a crippling yogurt addiction. I once broke into my mother’s house wearing nothing but a G-string and a propeller hat and threatened to sell my little sister to a Greek dairy cartel if she didn’t hand over my Gogurt. Hey, don’t judge me. John Stamos is what Joe Camel was to my childhood. Every time I see Uncle Jesse spoon feeding that chronic Chobani to models on T.V., I just can’t help myself. I run to the fridge, pop a yogurt, and use the foil lid to freebase some of that sweet ambrosia.

A relic of my sordid past.

I’m just so happy that our Air Force has enough resources and time to enforce these clearly life-saving, border-securing, terrorist-repelling laws. I sleep like a fat baby knowing that our pilots can’t wander into the commissary and get absolutely shitcan baked on yogurt before patrolling the skies. High five prohibition!