Stoner’s Guide to Sex: The Horny Virgin

Dear Gloria,

I’m a 20-year-old female virgin, and it turns out that being a virgin seems to turn a lot of guys off! I don’t want to lie about who I am, but how can I get laid? 

– The Horny Virgin

Dear Horny Virgin,

You could take the route of virgin-whore “Elizabeth Raine” and sell your virginity to the highest bidder. She made $800,000 by auctioning her virginity. What did I get when I lost my virginity? A fucking homemade mudslide made with cheap CVS mix and weeks of awkward cringing whenever I thought of that magic moment when I went from “girl” to “woman.”

Selling your virginity has become somewhat of a trend, more proof that rich people are dumb enough to pay for anything. If it’s just about bursting the “cherry,” why not get rich while doing it?

Jokes aside, you may feel compelled to just have sex with someone to get it over with. In a way, this method is effective because it helps “break the seal,” if you will. But wouldn’t you rather sex be about enjoying yourself and creating a deeper connection with your partner?

See, your question implies that your problem with being a virgin is that it is a turn off to guys. It’s not a turn off to guys, it’s intimidating to young men and boys who themselves have no idea what they are doing in the bedroom. If a guy finds your virginity a turn off, turn around. Move on. He isn’t worth your time.

Now, if you have a real connection with someone, it will happen when the time is right, don’t rush it. Shoot for this sort of virginity losing because you can only do it once.

Oh, and I threw up the mudslide.

Gloria Gazm answers your sex and relationship questions from a stoned perspective. Have a question for Gloria? Send your inquiries to her at gloria.gazm@gmail.com

Check out other posts from Weedist’s Stoner’s Guide to Sex series!