New Yorker Blames Pot Smoke for Ruining Her Life

It’s been quite a while since I valued Time magazine as a worthy source of news or insight. Personally, I find them to be a publication that panders primarily to conservative curmudgeons. Time feels less like the respected periodical it once was and more like a place for those who think that Andy Rooney complaining about fruit is worthy of slot on a news show. Basically, these are people who bitch for the sake of bitching.

Enter Jennifer Garam, stage left. She recently penned an article that Time published called “I Don’t Want to Smell Your Pot Smoke and I Don’t Think it Should Be Legalized.” Hey, I don’t like puke on my shoes but you don’t see me trying to ban alcohol.

In the spirit of balance, I do (somewhat) understand her gripe. A bad smell really can make for an unpleasant experience. I don’t smoke weed in my house, rather, I step outside. I’ve stayed in hotel rooms that were once heavily used for cigarette smoking and I was so ill I had to move rooms. Weed is not Ms. Garam’s thing, and I respect her wishes. My complaint with this idiotic screed is the grossly overblown portrayal of pot smokers, the inaccurate perceptions of cannabis, and the narcissism with which she attacks all of the pot-smoking public.

She opens her piece with a lovely bit of hypocrisy: “This isn’t going to make me any friends but here goes: My experience of pot is that it makes people very self-centered. And the last thing this world needs is more self-centered people walking around. I’m sick of the onslaught of articles and infographics justifying legalizing a substance that will harm the people who smoke it and annoy the hell out of non-smokers in their vicinity.”

She calls potheads self-centered while simultaneously trying to reinstate prohibition. That would mean countless lives ruined by a broken criminal justice system, billions of wasted tax dollars spent fighting a harmless substance in a failed drug war, and the resurgence of a violent black market. Prohibition has destroyed so many lives I struggle to even guess at an accurate estimate.

And what of the myriad of sick people who have regained some measure of health due to medical cannabis? Does Ms. Garam intend to personally explain to the parents of epileptic children who have seen exceptional benefit from cannabis that their kids need to go back to failed pharmaceuticals and violent tremors all because she didn’t enjoy a smell? But we’re the selfish ones.

After regaling us with all of the three times Ms. Garam claims to have tried pot, she details this traumatic pot-smoking neighbor saga. The gist: A new downstairs neighbor moves in, Garam smells a little weed (she thinks) and assumes it’s probably construction workers on a smoke break. After she smells more smoke, she tells the landlord that she thinks her downstairs neighbor is smoking. Wash, rinse, repeat.

She complains a few times, and eventually the smell stops for about 6 weeks. She then tells us that, upon returning from a long weekend away, she got home and there was a smog monster just waiting in her apartment, eager to ruin her perfect little life. It goes on and on, culminating in Garam pondering moving to a new building before, miraculously, the downstairs neighbor moved out.

Ms. Garam portrays weed smoke as if it’s Gozer (or that funky pink slime shit from Ghostbusters 2, if you’re more into the sequel). To hear her tell the story, you’d think that pot smoke stole her identity, convicted her of wire fraud, and grave-robbed her grandmother’s wedding ring. As a writer, hyperbole is often used to drive home a point or emphasize something. Ms. Garam claims to be a writer, so I’m hoping that she is employing a fair bit of literary license here. If she’s being literal, then I fear that this big, bad world we live in may just be too much for her tender little nostrils to handle.

You, Ms. Garam, are the very definition of selfish. You are entitled to your opinions. However, you are not entitled to being the Queen of America who can issue edicts. Our constitution protects the sovereign right of our citizenry to think and feel whatever they like. You are welcome to hold meetings with fellow olfactorily assaulted victims. Why not create a support group? I’m sure there is a bevy of people who don’t like the way cat pee smells who would rally to your cause. Did you once think to simply wander down to your neighbor and say, “Hey dude, the smell of the smoke is wafting right into my apartment and I’m not really fond of it. Would you mind trying to find a way to manage the scent so It’s not so overwhelming?”

Of course not! Look, maybe this dude was an inconsiderate prick who would have blown smoke in your face, laughing as he slammed the door. But maybe he would have said he was sorry and taken steps to make the odor much less noticeable. I don’t know. You never gave him the chance. I suspect that would have probably made for a much less sensationalist story and you wouldn’t want to have to amend your “pot-heads-are-self-centered” agenda, right?

Rather than trying to take the complaint to the source, you sheepishly tattled on him and waited for someone else to solve your problem. You deserve some sort of passive-aggressive Emmy. To be clear, you weren’t driven out of your home by pot smoke, you chose to leave your home rather than try and solve a problem. That falls on you, lady.

She concludes this masterpiece with the following gem, “I don’t want to smoke pot. I choose not to breathe this toxic substance into my body, and I don’t want to be subjected to someone else’s pot smoke either. One person’s “right” to smoke pot shouldn’t trump other people’s right to breathe clean air, or comfortably inhabit the apartment they pay rent for. And I can only imagine that legalizing pot will make it that much more prevalent, and leave those who are affected by the secondhand smoke with that much less recourse to protect themselves.”

With the little line about the “toxic substance,” that marks the second time she stated-as-fact that smoking pot was harmful. Finding rebuttals to her claims would not be hard, I won’t waste my time rehashing them.

You know what I think is toxic, harmful, and self-centered? You, Ms. Garam. You think the world doesn’t need more self-centered people and, by default, you think that means the world doesn’t need more pot smokers. I would argue that what the world needs is less narcissism, hyper-sensitivity, and passive-aggressive triangulation. But, unlike you, I am fully aware that my opinions aren’t basis for policy so I will not be trying to outlaw tightassed curmudgeons. You’re welcome. I have entered your name in the “Meet Kevin Sabet” raffle drawing. Get your autograph book ready!